The Brink Of Tears

Heart beating.
Blood trickling, tickling, tinkling, pumping,
Flowing, moving, heating up, and tensing.
An eternity in a moment,
The space in an emotion,
Lost, gone, closed.
You hold not my heart but my life.
Still, unmoving, breathing.
My face against your love.
No shield, no barrier, but fear,
Lifted, facing its gnawing jaws.
I'll jump the void,
Filled with the brink of tears.
The heat, the fears,
Closed, unseeing, feeling, and embracing.
Within a drop, the utmost vow.
The words unuttered,
The courage mustered.
Just hold me,
Frozen, broken, healing,
Tearing,
Spoken.

Gone The Left Way

Three of us run from the crowds into a quieter lane. Ben, Jon and I. There’s money in my pocket. Loads. This lane in quite wide, but we turn into a smaller lane, and yet another smaller lane, the backs of street-side stalls, where it’s wetter and darker.
We’re still running, hoping they aren’t still chasing us. We don’t see them, and we’re hoping they’ve given up chase, but we’re not risking that. Jon suddenly runs off in a different direction in the confusion. Ben and I run towards the corner church. There’s a back door which Ben opens and we hide in the corner of the dark stair landing.

Jon sees where we run towards. He stops. He’s suddenly not afraid. He walks towards the church as if he is just any other innocent bystander on the street. Just as he passes the back door Ben and I went behind, the thugs came walk-running by, as if looking for someone. Jon tips his head in our direction, takes out a cigarette, lights it and walks away, back towards home.

At the stair landing, behind the door, Ben and I are huddled up in the corner, in the dark. Afraid and breathing hard, our faces are really close. We have grown up together, including Jon, and have always looked out for each other. But Ben and I share a special something. At this moment, the intensity of the situation pulls us emotionally together and we end up kissing. The past few months have been tumultuous. There’s no more peace on the streets. Not even when we sleep. I’m crying. I feel his touch, there’s so much love in it and it’s taking the load off me. I’m holding him, afraid that he’ll not be here tomorrow. Suddenly, light pours in, the door is open and the two thugs are standing there. Darkness takes over again and we’re beaten up relentlessly, pushed down the stairs to be beaten up again. They hit Ben a lot more. No one hears the noise, or my screams. After a while, we’re left there. It hurts too much to move, or cry, or make any sound. It’s just our spasmodic breathing, the tears streaming down my face through closed, swollen eyes.

Almost. This almost happens.

Instead. Ben and I are huddled up in the corner, in the dark. Afraid and breathing hard, our faces are really close. We have grown up together, including Jon, and have always looked out for each other. But Ben and I share a special something. At this moment, the intensity of the situation pulls us emotionally together and just as our lips are about to meet, coins fall out from my pocket. They roll down a flight of stairs and Ben goes to get them. I suddenly get very afraid. A feeling of foreboding forces me to follow Ben down the flight of stairs, then I push him out though another door that leads into the reception area of the church. We smile because the church is pretty. The marble flooring makes the air cool and crisp. We haven’t had this sense of serenity in quite a while.

The thugs open the backdoor to where we were. No one’s there, but they find two coins on the ground. One goes to pick it up and they move away.

Jon walks home. He’s pumping with adrenalin. Although he’s not comfortable with what he did, he knows he’ll be bitter for the rest of his life if Ben and Nic start their lives anew, happy together, and with the money. He’d be alone. Nic would never, and has never looked at him the way she does with Ben. If his plan goes accordingly, as it has all day, they would be paralyzed, ugly, and the money taken from them. They’d probably still have each other, but what’s the point?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jon is in church, clean, in a suit. He carries an air of confidence He turns towards me as I walk in, a look of astonishment on his face. There’s real surprise, more like shock. He looks at my heels, the ends of my skirt hanging around my knees, the whole dress, then my face. I smile at him, glad to see he’s looking good. Just as I’m about to give Jon a hug, Ben walks in. Everything slows down. We’re walking towards each other now. Everything disappears. He’s shining and he looks radiant, full of life. I’m so relieved to see he’s ok. All my love is rushing back to me. All these months, taken from us. Finally, we reach each other. We hug each other so tight. The tears are welling in my eyes. He pulls away, looks at my face and wipes my tears away. Our lips meet. Then he turns me around and I see a little boy, 6 or 7 of age, and I instantly recognize him. Ben’s little brother! I kneel down to hold him close, to have a good look. I’m overjoyed! The turmoil of the past year did not take away my friends. We walk towards the reception, hand-in-hand with Ben and his brother, sort of walking-dancing to the Christmas music.

Jon is in the church hall, in conflict with himself. He’s ashamed, and disappointed, thinking all this while that he had destroyed his source of bitterness. He is shocked at himself, that he could be so heartless. I walk in. He tries to gain composure. I see him looking a little unsettled. I sit beside him and look at the huge crucifix before me. Jon clears his throat, then asks.

What happened that day?
The money fell from my pocket, we panicked, then we ran from the stairs.
Into the church?
My gosh! How did you know?
Erm, I saw you go in.

A stream of light comes in from the back of me. We turn and it’s Ben.
Sorry, hey Nickies, I wanna sign the guestbook with you.
I smile and turn to Jon. I’ll see you in the hall! And I walk off, towards the door.

Ben is signing the guestbook, and puts both our names on the same line. I look at him and ask how his mom was.
She’s good. She gets to stay at home now.
Where do you stay now?......